03. Fifty Shades Freed by E.L James Rant

Name of Book: Fifty Shades Freed

Author: EL James

ISBN: 9780345803504

Publisher: Vintage

Part of a Series: Fifty Shades

Type of book: abuse, fanfiction, plagiarism, fifty shades of grey, bdsm, America Washington, British slang, insult to injury, milking the cow, book about nothing

Year it was published: 2011

Summary:

When unworldly student Anastasia Steele first encountered the driven and dazzling young entrepreneur Christian Grey it sparked a sensual affair that changed both of their lives irrevocably. Shocked, intrigued, and, ultimately, repelled by Christian’s singular erotic tastes, Ana demands a deeper commitment. Determined to keep her, Christian agrees.

Now, Ana and Christian have it all—love, passion, intimacy, wealth, and a world of possibilities for their future. But Ana knows that loving her Fifty Shades will not be easy, and that being together will pose challenges that neither of them would anticipate. Ana must somehow learn to share Christian’s opulent lifestyle without sacrificing her own identity. And Christian must overcome his compulsion to control as he wrestles with the demons of a tormented past.

Just when it seems that their strength together will eclipse any obstacle, misfortune, malice, and fate conspire to make Ana’s deepest fears turn to reality.

This book is intended for mature audiences.

Treatise:

I am drained and exhausted from reading this drivel. What happened was this: the first eighteen chapters I have read on Jenny Strout's website, and chapters 19-25 plus an epilogue I've read straight from the drivel itself. I feel insulted calling something like this a "book" because it implies artistic integrity, or rather it implies that this drivel has a plot, excellent characters, a theme and so forth. In fact, it has NOTHING of the sort. My reaction to reading this drivel is marked by frustration, calling Ana a moron numerous times, thinking "hmm, let's see if I have any interesting email," lack of realism and so forth. Just pure unchanneled and unbelievable melodrama. I even resorted to skipping most of the paragraphs just to finish the drivel. Even writing this review is draining, although I'm highly disgusted by the epilogue, as well as shocked and sickened.

Believe it or not I do enjoy reading books that are social commentaries or that might be about, well, nothing. I was surprised that if I take it slow, I actually enjoyed reading Evelina by Fanny Burney, and I also liked The Tale of Genji by Shikibu Murasaki, and Dream of the Red Chamber by Cao Xueqin. And, I also loved Mysteries of Udolpho by Ann Radcliffe as well as Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell. E.L James has a special talent of creating boredom and blue balls out of ordinary life. She quickly shuts down the more interesting plot lines just to focus more on Ana and Christian's boring life. I barely made it alive through the six chapters of her writing.

Also, Ana is just, well, unbelievable and frustrating. I seriously wanted to take a knife and stab both her and Christian into their black hearts, or perhaps plunge a stake through their hearts while they lay in their coffins sleeping--Oh wait, wrong fiction, or is it?

You know, few years back my grandfather had to be in the hospital for almost six months due to health issues. It should have been a routine operation, a quadruple bypass, but then stuff happened such as the pacemaker getting detached, or problem where liquid was eating intestines and so forth. That time of year was the busiest for us; first are the Jewish holidays, the birthdays, my sister's wedding and so forth. Do you honestly think we were in the mood to celebrate ANYTHING while my grandfather suffered that way?! In this way Christian is incredibly selfish; fine its her birthday, but a way he could have shown her he cared was to stay by her side in the hospital while her father was going through hell, or else he could have gifted a room or something where she could sleep while she stayed with her father. Forgive me, but throwing a surprise party while your family member is at death's door isn't right in my opinion.

I also couldn't help but roll my eyes at Christian's naivety. For twenty three years he had a father figure in his life and he's so focused on his past and that he lacked a biological father is just dumb. Why didn't the Greys get him counseling or something when they adopted him? The poor kid had to endure being stuck with a corpse of his mother as well as other abuse that E.L James chooses not share with the readers. Instead of choosing to share important details, she gives readers blue balls so to speak, which is my pet peeve. I honestly could care less about what Ana has or does not have for breakfast, or how the rooms look like and so forth. What interests me as a reader is the psychology of the characters, the situation and how they react to it. Yes, some description is necessary, but not about stuff we'll never see again.

I also recall that at one point the two engage in sort of sex in the hospital. Umm, have you checked how narrow the beds are? Two people couldn't fit on one bed. The beds are designed for only one person, not two. And they're not designed for sex. For some odd reason I find that scene a bit disturbing. Also, there are other methods of birth control besides condoms, shots and pills. There's something called intra-uterine device which is inserted inside and can stay inside for three to five years if I'm not mistaken. Why didn't Christian ask Ana to get that? Seems like he kind of set her up to fail so to speak. There are also special sprays that can kill sperm and there's Plan B. Shoddy research isn't it? Also, when Ana found out she was pregnant and blamed her assistant, excuse me but you asked her to move appointments around. She is your assistant, why weren't you more specific with her? Its your own fault that you ended up pregnant. How come Ana's dad has no idea his daughter is pregnant? Shouldn't it say on her chart that she's pregnant?

Wow, pointing all of these mistakes and inconsistencies is just causing me to want to pull my hair out. Why also the pointless and stupid melodrama? Christian's sister is kidnapped and Ana is told to just bring five million dollars. Instead of being smart and intelligent, like everyone claims she is, she is incredibly stupid. First of all, considering that the call came from Mia's cell phone, yes, Jack Hyde does have her! Second of all, you could use or get someone's cell phone to tell police what's going on, or else tell your husband that Mia is in danger so he can get someone trained in hostage situations to deal with it instead of the whole pointless eye-rolling melodrama of Christian thinking Ana will leave him and then Elizabeth being in cahoots with Jack Hyde. No matter what, Christian is exactly like Jack Hyde, both in temperament and growing up. The difference? It's the age thing. Because Christian is younger and has a "true love", he is seen as nothing like Jack when in fact both do and continue to do horrendous acts to women. Also, Christian talks about loving control, umm, he's the CEO isn't he? Isn't he in control of everything and everyone? How much control does that freak of nature need?

Ana, make up your mind, please. Either you want a BDSM, or you don't, but please stop being so uncertain about it. In first book she doesn't want it, but in second and third she wants it. What a mercurial spoiled character is all I'll say. And please use proper words for your areas. Considering this is a novel for mature audience, surely you can use dirty words for Ana's anatomy, or even mention what the spot is.

Now dear readers, please prepare yourselves for this disgusting scene, which I will copy straight from Fifty Shades Freed. Its in the epilogue by the way.

E L James (2012-01-04 00:00:00-05:00). Fifty Shades Trilogy 03 - Fifty Shades Freed (Kindle Locations 10565-10570). Kindle Edition."

Ana is pregnant in that scene. PREGNANT. The idea of a flogger hitting something swollen with life is disgusting and wrong on so many levels. Surely there must be other ways to be BDSM while a woman is pregnant, or else Christian can control his urge to control and after pregnancy they can resume to whatever they're doing, which is something I don't want to know about.

Yet women want someone like that. You want someone who wants to hurt a baby before it takes its first breath of life? You want someone who will possibly damage and hurt a baby that you're carrying inside? What is the appeal of his character? Ana never grows a backbone no matter what, and Christian does not change in any shape or form. E.L James still needs to take serious writing classes and take a good hard look at her life.

I am willing to bet that I can write a much better story than she can, and I will use her characters. I will use first chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey in third person narrative.

"Ana quickly grabs a hairspray, pressing the nozzle to release the fumes that should allow her hair to stay flat. "Damn," she mutters to herself, studying her reflection. "What bloody time is it?" She yells, hoping her roommate, Katherine Kavanaugh will respond.

"Time for you to get going," Katherine, otherwise known as Kate moans.

Ana walks outside, noticing her roommate flicking through the channels on TV.

"I'm sorry about this," Kate apologizes, her fingers pulling the blanket to her face. "Here are the questions you need to ask him. I would ask someone else to go, but they're all busy, and until now, I thought I could handle it."

Ana smiles widely. "Its okay, Kate. I'm glad to help you." As she walks outside away from Kate's sight and hearing, she rolls her eyes, her fingers scrunching up the sheet of paper with questions. "You owe me big for this, Kate. You really owe me." She releases a huge scream and hits her boot against Kate's expensive car. Smirking widely, she opens the door, sits and drives down to Grey Enterprises Inc. "

There. See? Much shorter and enjoyable I hope.

-1 out of 5
(-1: Help! Brain bleach emergency! 0: Stay away unless a masochist 1: Good for insomnia 2: Horrible but readable; 3: Readable and quickly forgettable, 4: Good, enjoyable 5: Buy it, keep it and never let it go.)